Tandaan

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Recovering a sense of Possibility

“This week you are being asked to examine your pay-offs in remaining stuck. You will examine how you could curtail your own possibilities by placing limits on the good you can receive. You will examine the cost of settling for appearing good instead of being authentic. You may find yourself thinking about radical changes, no longer ruling out your growth by making others the cause of your construction.”

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Week 5 Tasks

So, on top of all the tasks bellow, I’m also meant to start an Image File. In this I’ll collate images through the rest of my course, these images will be of my desires and dreams. If you see bellow a task “to add to image bank” then I’m meant to keep an eye out for the things I’ve listed! When I spot them I’m meant to clip them, buy them, photograph them or even draw them, just collect them somehow. Basically what we would call a vision board of a sort.

Since this is an ongoing task, I’ll create a new page here on my blog dedicated to a gallery of these images 🙂 But instead of Image file, I’ll call it Gathered. I’ll refill it once a week 🙂

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1. Five grievances to God

This week I’m meant to write give grievances to God, not something I’m comfortable doing honestly but Julia claims “God can take it.” God is more vast and capable than we can even comprehend. God is further than our human concepts of rules, of politeness, of good and deserving. God is more than we can imagine. So, God, I hope you will not mind me as I list these few unhappy things…

(my list is in my journal, for my eyes only, forever and ever! Well, and God’s too I suppose)

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2. Five desires

If I had faith or money I’d try…

1. Quit all my work and focus on finding my creative outlet to bring in income like publishing books or selling paintings.
2. Renovating a home to one day live in. Where every detail is one I chose and I can bring every choice to life!
3. Travel to the Philippines to learn about the history and culture more deeply than I know it now
4. Eat fancy seafood every day! Fresh fish and oysters and crayfish yummm. I feel like it’s a lighter, like the right type of food that my body should be eating. But obviously it’s hard to source easily and very expensive. Also might be hard to cook/prep! I’ll just hire a yaya and she can help me cook every day <3
5. To work in a private studio! Rent a space that’s all mine to use as my office and creative studio. Where I go during the day, separate from the laundry and the dishes etc. Where I can optimise the space entirely for me!

[to add to image bank]

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3. Five imaginary lives

1. Leather worker / bag maker. I made a little custom camera pouch this week and it was so hard but honestly so fun and it makes me wonder what else I could make!
2. Nail artist where I sell press on nails online! I see amazing artists painting little press on nails. I like the minimal pressure because there isn’t a person in front of you waiting for you to finish. And since it’s online its also up to them to get the size they ask for right! its just up to me to paint it and send it! I’d really enjoy that.
3. Professional tarot reader ! I think I have a strong intuition when it comes to tarot readings, I really enjoy them and I’d probably enjoy doing them for others if I were more confident in my reading and translating skills.
4. Cosy-game YouTuber. I love cosy games and I actually would love to film myself playing some, I don’t know why?
5. Dog-clothing designer! Hehe I love to make clothes for my pup, I have plenty of ideas and my skills could definitely improve!

It’s getting harder and harder to think of these imaginary lives, I’m just listing my little hobbies at this point haha.

[to add to image bank]

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4. If I were twenty and had money

When I was twenty I had some money, and honestly I spent it shopping. I loved having a full closet, I loved being the person with a million outfits (not literally), I loved being the person in the group with so many styles she could wear that they never knew which they’d see next. But honestly I was searching for who I was too, I was a chameleon with many colours; trying to fit in but trying to stand out, trying to impress yet trying to connect. If I could flash back to being twenty, confident and immature, somewhat ready to grab the world by the reins, I would…

1. Go to a yoga retreat! I really needed to reconnect with my spiritual side, through my teen years I’ve expressed interest and dabbled but never went farther.
2. Continue life-study classes. I adored those classes when I was in animation school, I know I would have enjoyed continuing to hone those skills! Maybe if I did then I’d be more comfortable at drawing my comic than I am right now.
3. Start saving money! Wow I wish I had learnt how to save money when I was young, even now I struggle to… If I had money in my twenties and knew how to save some of it for the future? A life changing skill.
4. Honestly, a health & beauty makeover… I’d get my hair hydrated, sort my skin and my hormones fixed – contraceptives, ugh! My whole early twenties was spent trying to combat my insecurities just to feel like I looked okay.
5. Go on an overseas trip! To Europe; Italy, Spain, Croatia (my boyfriend suggested these!). To Asia; Philippines, Japan, Thailand, Cambodia. See who I am when somewhere different with different people and different environments and cultures.

Now if twenty year old me had the fully developed brain that I have now (and very sober in comparison)? She would have likely said very different things! Partying, travelling, shopping. I wasn’t really on a true inner/spiritual search yet, it was very much on a surface-level face-to-face identity-search at the time, my perspective is just so much clearer and stable now.

[to add to image bank]

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5. If I were sixty-five and had money

I’m tasked with listing five postponed pleasures that I’d want to / wish I could fulfil at sixty-five! Thinking of the answer to this question, I’ve really just listed things that seem hard to accomplish or to follow through with, but would have made an impact in my life.

What’s that life triangle?

To feel fulfilled you must have health, money and time, but everyone through their life will only have two;

• The young have health and time but no money
• The grown have health and money but no time
• The elderly have time and money but no health

So I suppose it’s going to that and wondering what little old me would feel like she missed most about her health – I know I’d want to have danced, and sing, and travel! I’d want to have looked after myself better so that I could feel healthy and mobile longer.

1. I would have wished to travel and see other cultures
2. I would have wished that I danced more, and sang more!
3. I would have wished that I just pushed through, finished and shared my projects with the world. Who knows what they could have become.
4. I would have wished that I took care of my body sooner. Paid more attention to my gut health and what I took into my body.
5. I would have wished that I had gone out more, gone bouldering when I had energy, tried new restaurants when I had some money to spend, try new classes when I could afford them.

[to add to image bank]

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6. Ten ways I’m mean to myself

1. I hide what I’m doing when someone comes home if I’m doing something other than cleaning or working.
2. I don’t tidy my half of the bedroom and let it fall off the priority list of cleaning the home
3. I don’t eat healthy
4. I don’t take care of myself
5. I assume people think lowly of me
6. .
7. .
8. .
9. .
10. .

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7. Ten items I’d like to own

1. A walking pad: So I can walk as I work all day, and when I play video games so that I don’t have to feel guilty while I game!
2. Flat files: To safely store my art work and projects! Or my spare sheets of paper 🙂
3. Display shelf: To proudly display my old projects so that maybe I can get re-inspired by them or just feel proud of what I did.
4. A more capable computer: So I can do things like play and build games, or edit videos, 3D build etc in a much smoother and reliable way.
5. A big printer: So I can print on bigger, better and I can experiment more knowing that the printer can handle it.
6. More lamps: create relaxing ambiance in our rooms
7. A jewellery box: My precious jewellery is just in the most random items right now, I think they deserve better!
8. A big art desk: To craft on and get willy-nilly and just not worry about the space I take up on it!
9. A headset: I play online with my Dad and my brother and I don’t have a microphone and would love to have one.
10. Leather working tools! And some faux leather to play with 🙂

[to add to image bank]

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8. Honestly, my favourite creative block is…

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9. My pay-off for staying blocked is…

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10. The person I blame for being blocked is…

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The Virtue Trap

“Are you self-destructive?” A hard question to answer as she tells you in the book. So, I must ask myself a few questions.

The virtue-trap quiz:

1. The biggest lack in my life is community and activity.
2. The greatest joy in my life is escapism and uninterrupted self-expression. As in I’m able to express myself without subconsciously filtering what I present.
3. My largest time commitment is Working and cleaning, meaing in my spare time I’ll choose to rest because “I deserve it”.
4. As I play more, I work
5. I feel guilty that I am not making as much money as I could be, to be able to provide better lives for myself and my family.
6. I worry that I will never complete anything that I set myself out to do.
7. If my dreams come true, my family will finally not have to work, we will all be able to live with security of the next meal, warm homes and an abundance of free time and purpose in what we can create now that we are free from working for others. We will be able to work towards our own dreams.
8. I sabotage myself so people will spend more time with me.
9. If I let myself feel it, I’m angry that I never save my money.
10. One reason I get sad sometimes is knowing that I’ll never have an opportunity to live closer to my family because my partner needs to live by the city, it will always be a big travel to reach them since my parents are far out of the city. I wish I could spend more time with my family to become even closer to them.

Does your life serve you or only others? Are you self-destructive?

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Forbidden joys

I have to list 10 things that I love and would love to do but are not allowed to do. I’m not sure that im “not allowed” to do anything in particular. I more don’t let myself or circumstances of daily life makes it hard to do. It’s honestly hard to think of joys that i’m forbidden from doing? I’ll try to hold onto this question for the week and see what I end up adding

1. Visit my family more often, I only see them about once a month and I’d love if it were easier for me.
2. Going to an escape room! Who could I possibly drag along to this torture with me?
3. More puzzles, I don’t have the space to leave out a 1000 piece puzzle as I slowly work on it 🙁
4. I love extra large tables like in art classes where you can just spread out all your creative work – but that’s unrealistic

Post this list somewhere highly visible.

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Wish list

As quickly as you can, write your most frivolous wishes (and you will find truth in them)!

1. I wish that I had my own art studio with ample space for my creativity
2. I wish that I could sell my art and projects
3. I wish I had a creative community where people are invested in each other’s work
4. I wish I painted more often and bigger and braver things
5. I wish I wasn’t afraid to keep moving forward
6. I wish I didn’t have to do house chores all the time
7. I wish I and those I love will always be healthy, able and as happy as possible
8. I wish I would follow through with the things I tell myself I’ll do
9. I wish I were more active and that I felt like being more active
10. I wish I had a beefier computer so that I could work on bigger projects
11. I wish I could visit the Philippines every year with my family
12. I wish I could be working entirely for myself with a successful business where I can create what I want
13. I wish I my others took more photos of me so that there was proof that I existed in whatever memory we’re sharing
14. I wish I wasn’t so anxious
15. I wish I was more adventurous
16. I wish I had the clothes in the fashion sense that I imagine myself in
17. I wish I could pause time when I wanted to
18. I wish my nails didn’t get scuffed when I went bouldering
19. I wish I had a secure backyard to let my dog out in
20. I most especially wish I had my own quiet, safe, cosy home

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Week 5 check-in

The Artist’s Way has questions for me to answer specifically in my check ins, let me answer them now!

How many pages did I keep up with in my morning pages? Yes every day this week!

Did I do my artist date this week? I did do it this week! I chose to visit a stationary shop at the mall! I didn’t have anything I needed to buy for myself, but I did need to buy a couple of journals to give to my brother and dad since I’m gifting them their own Artist’s Way books 🙂 I went to my parents place to see them both, they live on a little farm and it’s always so pleasant to visit them there. I hope they do the course and when they do I hope they gain something from it! I don’t think they have any idea what they’re in for, and how long it takes to write every day…

How fun though that through taking myself to a stationary store and browsing around for journals, not something I often do and not a section I usually ended up in – in this section I came across a photo album! A self adhesive one with no size restriction, it’s PERFECT! Exactly what my little camera needs for the funny sized photos I’ve been taking on it! It’s divine inscentive to express myself creativly, to gather my life’s moments both big and small and hold them in my hands so I might never forget them <3 Now I need to test if my printer can print on photo paper!

Were there any issues significant for my recovery? Yes, I’ve started playing The Forest, a survival game. I’m totally obsessed and every waking moment that I’m not playing it I’m wondering when I can next play it without scorn from my boyfriend or how quickly I can finish my work so I can play it during work hours… yeah it’s bad haha